


Defy Darkness

by NamelesslyNightlock



Series: Going Down Swinging [67]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Arc Reactor, Cuddling & Snuggling, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Feels, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Gets a Hug, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Loki (Marvel), Romantic Fluff, Talking, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Understanding, Worried Tony Stark, arc reactor feels, fear of the dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25332583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/pseuds/NamelesslyNightlock
Summary: “Not everyone likes a nightlight, Lokes.”
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Series: Going Down Swinging [67]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1330490
Comments: 59
Kudos: 557
Collections: Best Complete MCU Fics Ever





	Defy Darkness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rabentochter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rabentochter/gifts).



> All of the thanks to Sesil, who not only helped with the idea for this, the title, and read it over for me- but who also puts up with my constant complaining about not being able to type. What would I do without you? ❤︎ ~~crash and burn, probably~~  
>   
>  **Prompt—** _“If you don’t want to talk about it then say so. Don’t lie and pretend to be fine when you clearly aren’t.”_

Loki’s dreams were bathed in darkness.

Not the soft kind of darkness, the comforting blanket of dusk that will lull most people to sleep. Nor did he dream of an inviting darkness, an unknown that promised a fresh start– nor even a shadow whispering temptations of the night.

No, Loki dreamed of oppressive blackness, a constricting _nothingness_ that goes on forever. He dreamed of a never-ending fall, of screams that couldn’t be heard and the knowledge that he will never escape.

He dreamed that he was back in the void—

And when he dreamed, he woke up terrified.

Most times, it didn’t take much for Loki’s breathing to slow. He’d wake beside his partner – beside _Anthony_ – and merely gazing at Anthony’s sleeping face was usually enough to calm his racing heart. He could never sleep again after such a nightmare, knowing that if he closed his eyes he would return to the void– instead, he would lie there in silence, watching the rise and fall of Anthony’s chest.

But then, there were the times when the nightmare was worse. When it wasn’t just the falling, but the memory of what happened _after_ which tore at his mind, which pulled him apart and smashed the pieces back together in all the wrong order.

Those nights were always the hardest.

Loki never shouted in his sleep, he never screamed the way that Anthony did when he was afflicted with a night-terror– but sometimes, his waking was violent enough that he woke Anthony as well. In those times, Loki would often lean in to press his lips to Anthony’s skin, or to capture his mouth in a kiss which would wipe all of Loki’s fears away.

Sometimes, a kiss is all it would be. Sometimes, Anthony would moan into his mouth and Loki would take more, would lose any remnants of the nightmare in the warmth of Anthony’s body, and he would be able to fall into blissful oblivion against Anthony’s bare chest—

Well, at least until Anthony reached for his shirt and pulled it back over his head to cover his chest– something that he _always_ did before sleeping. Always, and without fail– even when he was exhausted, even when they had just had sex and all Loki wanted was to curl against his partner’s bare skin. Loki didn’t have an explanation for it, it was just another of Anthony’s quirks.

And… it was a shame, really.

Because sometimes… sometimes, even the darkness in their bedroom was enough to make Loki feel like he was drowning, and the light from Anthony’s reactor was always more than enough to keep it at bay.

He could, of course, use his seiðr to light the room, but… his seiðr hadn’t been able to get him out of the void. Anthony, on the other hand, had never failed to make Loki feel safe—

And sometimes, when Loki was lying awake with the darkness closing in, he would wish that Anthony had fallen asleep without his shirt.

There were moments where Loki _considered_ lifting the material, letting the light of the reactor shine free. But… then he would remember the way that Anthony had shied from Loki’s hands back at the beginning of their relationship, the way that he would flinch away whenever Loki’s fingers wandered too close to the reactor. It was something that Loki had been able to understand, something he had respected– and in time, Anthony had grown more comfortable. Then had come the night when Anthony had _placed_ Loki’s hand on top of that glowing light, and had sworn his heart was Loki’s.

Since then, Anthony had never flinched away again—

But Loki was still reluctant to push that boundary, because Anthony’s wellbeing was more important than his own.

When Anthony was awake, Loki would trail his fingers over those intricate lines and he’d press his lips to the scars that surrounded the metal casing– but when Anthony was asleep? Loki wouldn’t.

Especially not when he began to wonder if Anthony’s near obsessive need to sleep with a shirt on, even if it was _all_ he wore was because he felt safer that way, with the reactor covered up. Then again, perhaps Anthony just did not like to sleep with the glow of the reactor lighting the room. Either way, it was a choice that Loki would not take from him—

But then there was one nightmare far, _far_ worse than the others, one that had Loki waking in a cold sweat and with a gasp that tore at his throat.

In that dream, he hadn’t just been trapped in the darkness– he had seen _Anthony_ fall, and then they had been torn apart, Loki unable to do anything to help Anthony before the thick blackness had swallowed them both.

Loki’s hands were trembling, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was _drowning_ , the darkness constricting his lungs and sticking in his throat, tugging and tearing at his mind until his only thought was a need to make it stop.

Gasping, panting, struggling to even take hold of the material, Loki reached over and took the hem of Anthony’s shirt in his fingers. Loki knew he shouldn’t, but—

He _needed_ to see that blue light, the light that made him feel safer than his seiðr or any electrical lighting ever could.

Thankfully, Anthony was lying on his back, and Loki managed to push the shirt up enough so that he could see the reactor. The blue light of it shone through the blackness, and Loki let out a sigh of relief as he lay his head down on Anthony’s chest, his eyes on the reactor as it chased the shadows away.

But his relief was cut through with a single sound—

“Lo’?”

Loki froze, and lifted his head to see that Anthony’s eyes were open, staring at Loki in confusion.

“What are you—?”

“I am sorry,” Loki said quickly, pulling away from Anthony’s chest and scooting across the bed. “I should not have done that, I– I will not do it again—”

“Loki.” Anthony was frowning, but… he didn’t seem upset. He looked _worried_. “Lokes, what’s wrong?”

Loki shook his head. “I’m fine,” he said. “And I’m _sorry,_ I shouldn’t have, not without your permission.”

Anthony stared for a moment longer. It was clear that his tired mind was trying to think it through. “You’re not fine,” he said.

“No, Anthony, truly. Don’t worry, I really am—”

“ _No,”_ Anthony said, more firmly than Loki had. Then he reached out with one hand, and brushed it lightly over Loki’s face. “If you don’t want to talk about it, then say so,” Anthony whispered, his voice as soft as his touch over Loki’s cheek. “Just… please, Lokes. Please don’t lie and pretend to be fine when you clearly aren’t.”

Loki drew in a deep breath. He should have known that he wouldn’t be able to keep this hidden forever. Not from _Anthony_.

“I don’t…” He cleared his throat, because– for someone like him, it was a hard thing to confess. And he averted his gaze as he admitted in a rough voice– “I don’t like the darkness.”

He waited for Anthony’s laughter, he waited for a mocking word. He waited to be told that there was nothing to fear from darkness, that the terror was all just in his head.

But… Anthony didn’t laugh. “Was it the void?” he asked, quiet and soft, soothing against the harshness of Loki’s thoughts.

Loki couldn’t find his voice, so. He merely gave Anthony a harsh nod.

Anthony let out a long breath. Then he shifted over the mattress, moving slowly but purposefully closer to Loki. One had slipped under Loki’s waist while the other curled over his shoulders, and Loki went more than willingly as Anthony drew him close to his chest.

“Do you mind if I ask,” he whispered hesitantly. “How… long was it? How long were you in there?”

“It was months,” Loki whispered. “ _Months_ , before… before _he_ found me. And after that, I. I almost longed for the fall.”

Anthony’s face looked a little pale. “Loki,” he whispered, sounding choked. “I’m so very—”

“No,” Loki said, shaking his head. “Do not apologise, it is not your fault.”

Anthony sighed, accepting that but– not appearing happy about it. “Is there any way that I can help?”

“You already do,” Loki said. “You already help, far more than you know. Just waking up and seeing you here helps me calm down.”

“And the reactor?” Anthony asked. “Does that… you _were_ looking at that, when I woke up. Does… does _that_ help?”

“It keeps the darkness at bay,” Loki replied. “But… I know that you do not like sleeping without covering it, and—”

“If you want me to sleep without a shirt, it’ll hardly be a difficulty for me,” Anthony replied, almost with a touch of amusement—

But Loki wasn’t amused. “Don’t,” he said sharply. “Don’t do it just because you _pity_ me.”

Anthony was silent for a moment, the almost smile from before falling away from his face.

“Do you know why I like to sleep with my shirt on?” Anthony asked, his voice laced with a quality that was almost… strange.

“I… I thought that it was because you could not sleep with the light?” Loki asked– though as he said it, he realised that was merely an assumption he had made. Anthony had never outright said anything of the sort.

Anthony shook his head. “I used to sleep with my shirt off all the time, and that didn’t change when I got the reactor. It… it kept me awake at first, in the cave. But I got used to it. And yeah, it hurts a little to breathe sometimes, and it’s fucking scary to know I’ve got such an obvious off switch, but. I know that it saved my life, that it is still saving my life every day. And… do you remember what I told you, about what Obie did?”

Loki nodded tersely. When Anthony had told him that story, only the knowledge that the man was already dead was enough to keep Loki in place. If Stane _had_ still been breathing, then he would not have done so for much longer.

“I have nightmares about that sometimes,” Anthony admitted, pulling Loki from his thoughts. “As well as more than a few other things… _most_ of which you already know. But looking down and seeing the light? It used to assure me that I’m still alive, because so long as the arc reactor is still going then I can fight anything that comes my way.”

“Then why do you cover it?” Loki asked, a frown creasing his brow. “If it comforts you?”

Anthony’s smile was strained. “Not everyone likes a nightlight, Lokes,” he said. “It’s like you said before. Most people like to sleep in darkness, and… let’s just say that Pepper was one of them.”

And, look.

Loki didn’t know which words had passed between that pair about the arc reactor, he didn’t know whether Ms Potts had asked, or whether Anthony had noticed her discomfort and had acted accordingly. But either way, it was clear that Ms Potts had made Anthony feel like he had to conceal that part of himself, and even though he _liked_ Ms Potts, hearing that pain in Anthony’s tone made Loki want to go and show her what real pain felt like.

But… not in that moment. Not when Anthony was looking at him so softly.

“I thought that you might have been the same, and I didn’t want to keep you awake,” Anthony whispered. “And… well, fuck. It would seem I’ve royally screwed that up, haven’t I?”

“No,” Loki said, shaking his head. “You haven’t.” He leaned forward then, and he pressed his lips to Anthony’s– and not in the way that he normally would after a nightmare.

There was no desperation, not anymore.

And when the sweet kiss came to an end, Anthony moved away from Loki– and Loki’s eyes widened as Anthony used the space to pull his shirt over his head, and then he tossed it to the floor.

“Come here,” Anthony said, settling back down onto the pillows– and his arms curled tight around Loki’s waist, holding him close as Loki hesitantly rested his head on Anthony’s shoulder, right beside the reactor.

“Thank you,” Loki started—

“There’s no need,” Anthony whispered. “Thank _you_ , for letting me know that I don’t need to cover this up any longer.”

“You don’t need to hide any part of yourself from me,” Loki replied– and then he reached out to splay his hands over that bright circle, so that the glow seeped between his fingers. “Especially not this.”

Anthony’s embrace tightened, and Loki felt a kiss press into his hair.

And this time, when he fell back into sleep… Loki’s dreams were bathed in soft blue light.


End file.
